For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount them, they would be too many to declare. Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced, burnt offerings you did not require. Then I said, 'Here I am, I have come--it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.' I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, 'Aha! Aha!' be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always cry, 'The LORD be exalted!' Yet I am poor and needy; may the LORD think of me. You are my deliverer; O my God do not delay." Psalm 40 NIV
I must confess of my avid curiosity and interest in the character flaws and the resulting dramas in the lives of others. I find myself drawn to such television programs as Cops, Judge Judy, and even Jerry Springer which capitalize on the misfortune of others and package it as entertainment. In the line at the grocery store, I admit to taking a secret glance or two at the latest tabloid gossip. Mind you that the headlines are rarely, if ever, flattering or uplifting. They are about exposing the dirt in others' lives for a public hungry for such fodder. Well, I should not speak for the public, but I can speak for me--sadly I find myself hungry for such information. I must admit to far less interest in looking at my own character flaws and the resulting drama. I'd rather the program be canceled due to a lack of sponsors and the tabloid recalled as the information contained therein was just too personal. However, I am in no way special and I must take my turn just like so many others before me and so many after me. The only relief I find is when it is pointed out to me that others will forget much more quickly than I will. I have become so aware of this need in me to see others in a bad light as if somehow it puts me in a better light. Is this phenomenon common to the human condition? Why is it that I secretly rejoice when good people fail? Why am I so quick to decide what others do and do not deserve? May God be merciful to me for my arrogance.
I am a man who fell into a slimy pit, full of mud and mire. There were those dear to me that tried to help me out, however they were soon exhausted and left me to my own end. Do I hold this against them? How can I? They did what they could and did not know what else to do. They were in shock at finding me in such a place, for ironically, I had helped them out of pits quite similar to the one in which I had fallen. Fortunately, heaven dispatched other rescuers and I was kept from death. I was provided a firm place to stand and I am learning to sing the song which God has placed in my heart. When I fell into the pit, the public me and the private me, shall we say, got acquainted. Now there is just one me--and I am endeavoring to live out of this new reality. My hope is that many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
In the meantime...
Written on November 4, 2010
On October 16, 2008, my marriage of 20 years ended. It was then that I lost everything that ever mattered to me. Aside from the obvious--a beautiful wife and a twenty year relationship, I also lost my friends, my counseling practice, all of my money, and my property. None of this however has compared to the loss of my children. I have three beautiful children--two daugthers, ages 18 and 17, and a son, age 11. These past two years have been filled with hope, devastation, pain, and grief. This past weekend (October 29-31, 2010) was my first time in two years to have my children for the weekend. Our time together was aborted before 24 hours had even passed. The time with my children brought amazing joy and then unbearable heartache. The experience also brought clarity. I saw for the first time that as much as I wanted to be with my children, my children did not want to be with me. My son was afraid to sleep in the bed with me. My younger daugther referred to me as a monster. My older daugther treated me with disdain. After many tears, I realized that I had to move on. More than anything, I want my children in my life, however in the meantime, I have to have a life by building a new one.
So here is my attempt at a new life: I am a 47 year old divorced man who resides in Dallas, Texas. I have two roommates, Jordyn and Eric. We hope to get a little dog and name her Lady. We will then be Three Men and a Little Lady. I am licensed in the state of Texas as a professional counselor and I am a dissertation away from my PhD in Clinical and Health Psychology. I am originally from Bayou La Batre, Alabama. My father passed away in 1997. My mother is a widow and lives in Daphne, Alabama. I have three younger brothers, ages 44, 42, and 40 respectively. The oldest lives here and there. I think he may be in either Flordia or Alabama at the moment. He has two beautiful daughters. He has not seen them in over 10 years. The middle brother is married with two daugthers as well. My youngest brother is single and has lived his life being there for our parents. I must say that my mother and my youngest brother have loved me and stood by me through all that I have faced.
I have spent the last two years attempting to cope with all that I have lost. There have been good days, but mostly I have been surviving--vacillating between pain and numbness. Thankfully, these past two years have brought some amazing people into my life. Some have remained; others have moved on. I have been sustained, strengthened, and encouraged by these individuals. Alan and Phill of Botany, New South Wales have been constant sources of support, love, strength, and encouragement. I have reason to call them family and I cherish their friendship. Then there is Paul Martin, my psychologist of Brisbane, Queensland. A voice of reason and a man who has faced his own pain so that he may help me and many others face theirs. The words "containment" and "distraction" always come to mind with I think of Dr. Martin. Paul has helped me so much with shame and forgiveness. I feel respected, capable, and competent when I meet with him. I trust him.
I have not spoken with him in some time, but John Meteyard of Griffin, Queensland has been an amazing friend to me. He embraced me as a brother when I had no where to turn. I also owe a debt of gratitude to Jason Jamieson of Eight Mile Plains, Queensland who accompanied me back to the US in 2009. He was a great source of strength and comfort as I dealt with tremendous loss. Manuel Daboub of Dallas, Texas took me into his home when I first returned to the US. I was a stranger, yet he treated me as family. I then came upon the extraordinary kindness of Seldon Short and David Schulze of Dallas, Texas. Seldon, a friend from college days, and his partner, David, rescued me from homelessness and I lived with them for three months in 2009. They steadied me again and again when I thought I could not deal with one more blow.
Over the past year, I have worked at Galaxy Counseling Center, Adapt Community Solutions, and Stonewall Behavioral Health. I made some amazing friends at all of these places including Candi Marcum, Jenni Jennings, Yolanda Jones, Tom Johnson, Noemi Mendez, Arthur Cardona, Lee Berryman, Linda Casto, and Pamela Moore.
There are many more people that have helped me along the way not the least of which is my college sweetheart, Beth Mulhern of Sharpsburg, Georgia. My dear friend Mitch McConnell of Fairhope, Alabama, my college roommate, Tim Beauchamp of Plano, Texas. And my dearest friends, Rusty and Kathy Morgan of Spanish Fort, Alabama. I firmly believe that "no man is a failure who has friends."
Today I embark on a new journey. I choose to build a life on a solid foundation of faith, hope, and love. I desire to develop the virtues of self-control, wisdom, courage, and justice. I want to grow close to God and sense his love and acceptance again. I choose to surround myself with good people with whom I can share my life and me theirs.
I want to celebrate all the amazing things of life and enjoy the beauty of this world. I still want to make difference in the lives of others through counseling, teaching, and standing with others as they face their pain. I want to live as an authentic and gracious man. I desire to develop a magnanamous character and interact with others in a Christ-like manner. I also want my children in my life, but in the meantime.....
On October 16, 2008, my marriage of 20 years ended. It was then that I lost everything that ever mattered to me. Aside from the obvious--a beautiful wife and a twenty year relationship, I also lost my friends, my counseling practice, all of my money, and my property. None of this however has compared to the loss of my children. I have three beautiful children--two daugthers, ages 18 and 17, and a son, age 11. These past two years have been filled with hope, devastation, pain, and grief. This past weekend (October 29-31, 2010) was my first time in two years to have my children for the weekend. Our time together was aborted before 24 hours had even passed. The time with my children brought amazing joy and then unbearable heartache. The experience also brought clarity. I saw for the first time that as much as I wanted to be with my children, my children did not want to be with me. My son was afraid to sleep in the bed with me. My younger daugther referred to me as a monster. My older daugther treated me with disdain. After many tears, I realized that I had to move on. More than anything, I want my children in my life, however in the meantime, I have to have a life by building a new one.
So here is my attempt at a new life: I am a 47 year old divorced man who resides in Dallas, Texas. I have two roommates, Jordyn and Eric. We hope to get a little dog and name her Lady. We will then be Three Men and a Little Lady. I am licensed in the state of Texas as a professional counselor and I am a dissertation away from my PhD in Clinical and Health Psychology. I am originally from Bayou La Batre, Alabama. My father passed away in 1997. My mother is a widow and lives in Daphne, Alabama. I have three younger brothers, ages 44, 42, and 40 respectively. The oldest lives here and there. I think he may be in either Flordia or Alabama at the moment. He has two beautiful daughters. He has not seen them in over 10 years. The middle brother is married with two daugthers as well. My youngest brother is single and has lived his life being there for our parents. I must say that my mother and my youngest brother have loved me and stood by me through all that I have faced.
I have spent the last two years attempting to cope with all that I have lost. There have been good days, but mostly I have been surviving--vacillating between pain and numbness. Thankfully, these past two years have brought some amazing people into my life. Some have remained; others have moved on. I have been sustained, strengthened, and encouraged by these individuals. Alan and Phill of Botany, New South Wales have been constant sources of support, love, strength, and encouragement. I have reason to call them family and I cherish their friendship. Then there is Paul Martin, my psychologist of Brisbane, Queensland. A voice of reason and a man who has faced his own pain so that he may help me and many others face theirs. The words "containment" and "distraction" always come to mind with I think of Dr. Martin. Paul has helped me so much with shame and forgiveness. I feel respected, capable, and competent when I meet with him. I trust him.
I have not spoken with him in some time, but John Meteyard of Griffin, Queensland has been an amazing friend to me. He embraced me as a brother when I had no where to turn. I also owe a debt of gratitude to Jason Jamieson of Eight Mile Plains, Queensland who accompanied me back to the US in 2009. He was a great source of strength and comfort as I dealt with tremendous loss. Manuel Daboub of Dallas, Texas took me into his home when I first returned to the US. I was a stranger, yet he treated me as family. I then came upon the extraordinary kindness of Seldon Short and David Schulze of Dallas, Texas. Seldon, a friend from college days, and his partner, David, rescued me from homelessness and I lived with them for three months in 2009. They steadied me again and again when I thought I could not deal with one more blow.
Over the past year, I have worked at Galaxy Counseling Center, Adapt Community Solutions, and Stonewall Behavioral Health. I made some amazing friends at all of these places including Candi Marcum, Jenni Jennings, Yolanda Jones, Tom Johnson, Noemi Mendez, Arthur Cardona, Lee Berryman, Linda Casto, and Pamela Moore.
There are many more people that have helped me along the way not the least of which is my college sweetheart, Beth Mulhern of Sharpsburg, Georgia. My dear friend Mitch McConnell of Fairhope, Alabama, my college roommate, Tim Beauchamp of Plano, Texas. And my dearest friends, Rusty and Kathy Morgan of Spanish Fort, Alabama. I firmly believe that "no man is a failure who has friends."
Today I embark on a new journey. I choose to build a life on a solid foundation of faith, hope, and love. I desire to develop the virtues of self-control, wisdom, courage, and justice. I want to grow close to God and sense his love and acceptance again. I choose to surround myself with good people with whom I can share my life and me theirs.
I want to celebrate all the amazing things of life and enjoy the beauty of this world. I still want to make difference in the lives of others through counseling, teaching, and standing with others as they face their pain. I want to live as an authentic and gracious man. I desire to develop a magnanamous character and interact with others in a Christ-like manner. I also want my children in my life, but in the meantime.....
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